Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Defying Gravity

I remember one day, riding in the car with my brother, a long time ago...I think it was during the summer...and a song came on the radio that made him smile. He looked over at me and said, "isn't it funny how songs can just transport you back in time? You can recall the exact period in your life that the song reminds you of." And then he went on to tell me about how this particular song reminded him of junior high and why it did. I kind of shrugged it off, agreeing that I suppose he was right, but not really thinking much of it. Then, some time in high school, I had The Moment. The Moment where I heard a song on the radio and time instantly rewound 10 years. My childhood home had a beautiful oak tree at the end of the driveway. It was perfect for climbing up into and just sitting. When I was little I would sneak my one of my brothers' Madonna tapes and take my little cassette player and listen to Madonna in the oak tree. Away from the house, away from anyone's watchful eye, I was free to be a "big girl," singing along to my Madonna tape, daydreaming about the future. When I had The Moment, I remember smiling, thinking of my six year-old self.
Since I had my first Moment, I've had many similar moments, always smiling and thinking back to that time in my life. Sleepovers, summer camp, high school dances. And you can never predict when a Moment will happen. They have a way of sneaking up on you.
Such a Moment happened this week while listening to Pandora. I was just sitting at my desk at work, and "Defying Gravity," sung by cast members of the TV show "Glee" came on. Before I knew it, it was the fall and I was home on maternity leave with TB. I was holding her, walking around the house because she loved motion and hated being put down. I was doing laps around the family room trying to catch bits of the show each time I passed the TV. But I stopped and watched as the characters Kurt and Rachel sang "Defying Gravity" to see who would earn the solo. And then Kurt purposely flubbed the high notes so he wouldn't get the solo--a solo meant for a female--to avoid embarrassing his dad, with whom he was struggling to connect. Kurt was trying so hard to defy gravity by auditioning for a part he loved SO much, but bowed out because he loved his dad even more. And it wasn't until "Defying Gravity" played yesterday on Pandora that I truly thought about the gravity of "Defying Gravity."
Maybe it's because I'm now a mother, but as "Defying Gravity" played, my heart ached for Kurt. And my heart ached for TB. I found myself wanting to give the TV show character a hug, reassuring him that his dad loves him no matter what, and to always go after your dreams. Words my parents always told me growing up. I thought back to my days sitting in the oak tree, listening to my little cassette player, daydreaming about all the possibilities of my life ahead. I wanted to hold TB and tell her all those things.
TB isn't even six months old yet, but I have so many hopes for her. I hope she has her own Moments to reflect on, and her own dreams to aspire to. I hope she knows, above all, that TH and I love her no matter what. I hope she tries to defy gravity.

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